Alright first I would like to tell everyone that I do not want to talk about this on the phone, this is it, this is the conversation, I don't want to hear your side.
Heh.
About six weeks ago I was holding Caspian and it was a humid night and K. and I sat on the porch swing and swung and talked. The baby fell asleep I guess because I don't remember anything about him in the conversation; it was all about me.
At some point he asked me what I did every day that I wanted to do.
And I thought about my days that are full of doing what has to be done (especially at that time, with a six-week-old!) and I couldn't really give him an answer beyond take a bath? Make a nice sandwich for lunch?
That threw me into a big tailspin. I've spent time since then deciding that come next summer, when Caspian is one, I am going to
1. Have two books written that are way better than the ones I've already finished and are much more me! and ready to publish!
2. Give up on writing fiction because it just simply never comes out like I want it to and ends up being this gigantic chore of drudgery with stale characters and flat settings and Oh-My-Lord, it took an hour to write a paragraph which sucks anyhow. SO I will write about things I like! Like my life, and chickens, and babies!
3. Give up on writing about my life, and chickens, and babies, because everyone is already doing this and I hate twitter and the quasi-self-sustainable bandwagon is so very full and Oh MY God, all people do is talk about themselves and how they figured everything out and it's revolting! So I should write superfun fiction! With superfun characters who have crazy out there lives and do all sorts of cool things!
4. Stab myself in the eye.
5. Give up on writing entirely, okay maybe not entirely, but relegate it to the back burner and open a grocery store! Because MY LORD I hate driving to Oxford to get Brown Dairy's milk and I already know all these farmers and it will cost at least 100k in start-up money and so what if we want to move to Europe in one-to-three years? We already have a building and I HAVE GOT TO HAVE A CAREER.
6. Stab myself in other eye.
7. Rinse and repeat.
I wish I had a conclusion for you but I don't. Other than I am out of eyes.
Switzerland 2020
3 years ago
5 comments:
HELLOOOO??!!??!!??!
me too, girlfriend, me too.
right now what i want to do every day is hold babies. that's why I'm doing this silly certification & volunteering stuff for the Tennessee Early Childhood Education Alliance. So that I can hold babies AND get paid.
Maybe i could come hold YOUR babies while YOU write something in a completely new form that's not fiction and not non-fiction.
The path with heart is not necessarily the straightest or clearest---you are a writer, a real writer of fiction, as all maybe 4 people who have been allowed to actually read your books know---don't you dare give up or stab either of those true blue eyes again!!!!!!!!~!!!!!!!!!!
And babies will suck out all of your energy anyway at this point---give yourself a break here!
Being a mother is a full time job!!
It will even make you a better writer!
You will learn how to write in spite of it all.
Don't give up!!
Inspiration will come before you know it!
You are a woman...you can do more than one thing at a time.
I have faith in you.
Actually,you know- you're very funny-
M.
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