I just heard a song on my Pandora station that I associate strongly with my single sophomore year of college. My single with the yellow duvet cover that I would lie on and dream of K because I was so sick in love.

Now I'm listening to it as the kids play on the porch of our Mississippi house, painting together as the rain patters on the roof.

I still like the song. I still love him. I still have the duvet cover, too.

Briefly

This morning, I was sitting on my little boy's bed, watching him put his own shirt on. I said, "how did you get so big?"

And he said, "I grew up when I went to Alaska."

I love this kid.

Also, I didn't know he knew about Alaska.

Had A Really Great Weekend with These Guys

A Store Post

I had to take a bunch of pics today for a magazine and thought I'd post 'em. 

Mostly, I work hard at the grocery and my very good friend Dixie runs the Cafe. Unless I am re-working logistics (we have a new tea set-up!) or running out sandwiches or bussing, the cafe isn't my deal. Dixie sets the menu, orders, does specials, and actually makes everything. Me, I'm unloading watermelons and pricing peaches and calling the milk man.

I knew she was good when she converted K., who is not easy to please. Yesterday he ordered Dixie's special, which included pimento cheese, something he's always avoided, just because she told him it was good. And he loved it. 

It sounds good, right? I just devoured special number 2 and it was ridiculously fabulous.

Our cafe is very informal. But we have a sign we can point to from the front of the store.

Dixie making my special to go. She's not a camera-smiler but she sure can cook.

K's sandwich.

Some hipsters who didn't order lunch. Their loss.

REALLY their loss.

Friend and neighbor chowing down. I gave her the sandwich in exchange for me being all up in her business taking photos.

Lori running plates. She's a good 'un too. Currently trying to persuade Dixie to do special dinners on the weekends. I say the odds are slim.

Kids on their way to the store for lunch. Annaliese ended up heling Dixie make Caesar dressing. She was standing on a cooler slicing shallots.

The super-fancy menu.

Simple but really, really kickass.

K and I ate all over the place in New England and didn't really find anything like the store. Fast, inexpensive, and really good don't seem to exist all that often. You have to go to a proper restaurant for really good food, which is kind of a shame. Because sometimes you want a really good $5-$8 lunch, and if you're not in our corner of the world, you seem to be out of luck.

Annaliese has patches on her tongue. The dentist tells us it's normal. Anyhow, her grandparents noticed and assumed it was from scarring, so they asked Annaliese how she hurt her tongue.

She told them that once, a long time ago, she was watching me cook and licked the stove.

They completely believed her and now

a. they think I am a terrible mother and

b. Annaliese thinks "fibbing" is the most fun game ever.

Hmmm.

I'Ma Coming Home

K. has been doing such a nicely exxhaustive job of documenting this summer that I haven't felt like blogging.

Tomorrow, I head home to Mississippi after 24 days away. 24 days! And guess who's not ready to come home yet?



They plan on following me in another two weeks. There are ice cream cones left to eat, apparently.

I'm not bitter at all. But my heart aches at leaving my family.



August 10th. That's not so far away, right?

It's Time To Go

I'm stepping away from routine and the store and Mississippi for the next three+ (July 1st-24th) weeks to join my family in the north. Plans: cabin, extended family, lake, coast of Maine.

I am thrilled and petrified.

In a weird way, though, I feel like I can't afford not to take this trip. I want for my children a childhood that has plenty of routine and hard work and projects but also play. If I decide that I'm so indispensable to my business that I don't come join them for a few weeks, what am I actually telling them?

I know that the store will mostly be okay. It won't be perfect, but it'll be alright. Heck, it's already not perfect, but it.will.be.good.enough.

I am very anxious about it all, though. I really, really am.

Hopefully that will melt away when I'm out of this heat (it was described as hell's breath and it's an apt description) and with my sweetie and my kids.

Projects

In the almost month that I've been solo-ing it, I haven't written as much as I'd thought (though I have written more days that not). I haven't run like i thought I would (though I have walked). I haven't really gardened at all (it's very hot, very dry).

But I have worked on the kids' room.

It's a pretty room, a little awkward with the windows and doors and high open ceiling. We didn't pay it much attention when we moved in, and after three years of continuous use by infants and toddlers, it needed some.

So here's what I did!

-Clean it.

-Paint the back wall, which was a scribbled-on drywall, with chalkboard paint we already had.

-Order some hanging paper lanterns from World Market, about $45 worth.

-Buy some "vintage" wrapping paper sheets from Square books in Oxford, $3.99 each.

And voila!

However, one more thing has been itching at me. The kids need a low dresser or something to go in between the beds. Something for a lamp and a book, since we often let them settle with picture books at night. Something with a little storage space for clothes. But something low, since their beds are low, and I don't want to block the window.

I kept thinking about a bright fire engine red something. And I looked around and everything wasn't what I pictured or was over $250.

So I went to check out Ikea.com, since I like to torture myself with cheap furniture I don't have access to.

Guess what was $99 plus $40 shipping?

I splurged, y'all. It is exactly what I had in mind to rest between their beds. I am a little concerned about the corners being head-bustingly sharp, but I'll wrap them if need be.

So! a $200 make-over, and I think it's a much nicer place for our kids to sleep and play.

I'm excited about them coming home to see it, come August.

Saturday Night

I got over the boredom and it's been pretty nice again. Of course, it helps that I have a date now: July 1st. That's the day I wing my way north for 3+ weeks of freedom!

Not quite sure how the store will fare in my absence but it'll just have to cope.

It's been very tight monetarily as of late since the new deli has yet to rake in the big bucks. I find myself wondering if writing will help bridge gaps? Which is such an odd place to be in. We've grown drastically and yet the bills seem always just out of reach. I don't really worry about our personal finances at all, but the store takes a lot of mental space. Every week, people waiting for their paychecks, and they can't bounce. Massive utility bills, equipment loans, taxes, taxes, taxes. Boo hiss.

Haven't really be home since Wednesday, other than to sleep, so it's great to be on the porch, drinking an adult beverage and watching Louie chase his tail, with little on my agenda tomorrow besides my personal projects and sleeping in. If Louie lets me. He's quite the despot.

I am ready to see my family again. K floods me with pictures which is fantastic and helps a lot.

Look at these faces...

Can't believe I'm their mama!

Not to mention...

well, shoot, there's a hunky pic of k in his swimsuit on his blog but I can't save the darn pic as a pic.

Anyway, he's pretty cute himself.

Hope you have a great Sunday. I plan to!

The Thing They Said Would Happen Has Happened

Missing my family terribly this morning. It's cool and grey and so the whole escape-the-heat premise of the summer in Vermont seems silly, and I have cleaned the house and napped and now I want my family back :( But of course, it's too soon. The mountains of writing in front of me have barely shifted. Miles to go before I take off up North. I'm very cavalier about money, lucky that way, but the ball is in my court right now, and I've got to take advantage while I can. Make hay while the sun shines, wot wot.


Read this quote today, refers to the Icelandic banking crises, but evokes so much more: 




So the rule now is, be humble, know your limitations and play to your strengths. And instead of thinking you know everything, ask questions; seek help.




YES.


I've gotten much better about doing this. It's why the store is still alive.


Something really satisfying happened yesterday: a middle-aged couple who lives about 12 miles away came back. They came about a month after we opened, thought (rightly), "oh, they don't have much," and haven't been back. Until yesterday. They wandered around with open mouths and delight on their faces: the cafe, the deli area, practically everything in-fact, was brand-new to them. They confirmed what I already knew: we've come a far, far way. 


I'm proud of that. It would have been nice to be an amazing store from the get-go, but it's perhaps more satisfying to continue evolving into something our customers really respond to. 


And the ground rule of that process is off that quote: know your limitations. Play to your strengths. Ask for help.


I am shocked and amazed and awed by the store, my customers, the attention we've received, a frigging book deal for heaven's sakes. Of course, absolutely no one, least of all me, is making what America would consider a living wage (luckily, it's cheap down here. Luckily, my house is paid-for.) The store never has any extra money, constantly juggles what money has to go where, is perpetually drowning in paper-work and the bureaucracy every small business faces and is carrying a lot of equipment-related debt. It's not like we're just selling groceries and making money hand-over-fist. My old mercedes wagon rolls around north Mississippi laden down with watermelons and bread and everything else; someday, I aspire to buy a used delivery van. Dixie's still cooking on a cheap electric stove. We still have days where we look around at an empty store. Every dollar is clawed-for. This week, for example; average sale per customer was down over a dollar per, which is huge. No extra money at all this week. Let's hope the store's having a good sunday so I can pay everybody and not start negative for the week tomorrow.


But we are still here. We are doing a good job. We are being rewarded in ways including money but also attention, thanks, and the delight on our customers' faces when we go the extra mile and bring them something remarkable. And of course, a book deal.


I think sometimes people only define success in terms of financial recompense. And yes, we all need money to live. But living in Mississippi has taught me the intangible value of recompense: community. Ease. Gratitude. Enjoyment. Importance. Safety. (In two-plus years of business, we've never had a customer bounce a check.) My children can come to work with me and stir cake batter, chop artichoke hearts, run next door to visit Miss J., play with neighborhood kids, eat butterfly-shaped sandwiches made with love by Miss Dixie. 


I could earn more money doing something else. I'm not sure I could make a better living. 


Now, back to the grindstone, so someone in New York City will give me a check that we can tuck away for whatever we get excited about next; K & A LLC tends to take on big projects, and it's been at least a year.


Picture: First tomato of the season, of a completely rogue plant that came up in a bucket on the courtyard side of the house. Improbable as hell but loaded down with these fluted tomatoes.

They Have Gone

And the house is very still.

My family left Monday at 6am and my mama left Tuesday and so last night I grocery shopped for MYSELF, came home, cleaned house, and went to bed. Got up to stillness and sunniness and got right to work on the writing projects I've been waiting to start. Did work, had a meeting, pruned a tree, and the whole evening is laid out in front of me like a gift.


It's extra-easy to enjoy it because the kids and k. sound so happy. They even managed to enjoy 2 grueling days of driving. This seems like the right thing for our family, so far; I hope I get lots of work done fast and then can take a couple weeks of guilt-free and rejoin them.

My Baby Turned Three

Caspian turned three yesterday. For his birthday, he wanted: a party. A bear for him to snuggle with. Bubbles. A party hat. Cake. Presents. Friends.

He got all of those things, except the party hat, but for a little while, he did have a fancy birthday balloon. He got a rocket ship and paints and a shovel and a bear and bubbles and little animals and wee cars and his own dish, cup, and plate. He got kisses from me and hugs from his friends and as much cake as his little belly could hold.

He is three and he says three with a lisp--- "thwee" so it is extra adorable. He is smart and funny and tells great stories about bears in woods and old ladies and rats and all kinds of things. His eyes get limpidly brown when he's tired. He still loves his paccy at night and we're all okay with that. He no longer ever wears a diaper, not even to sleep. He still likes bugs, and now he likes rocket ships too. He shows suprising amounts of concentration on painting, gardening, and fishing. He is always up for going on a walk. He wakes up at night, once in a while, and cries hard until I come in tired and grumbling, and then he says, "I need a hug."He is such a funny dear little guy and I'm so glad he's in our family.

As usual, Annaliese had an unqualified great time at the party (I barely saw her up close):





Caspian opened every present with a look of wonderment and a "Oh my Gosh!" Even for the battery pack snapper part of his rocket ship.



He wanted to take some pictures of him and me. I was good with it.



k set up a killer outside area: kids played in a huge tent, the canoe, and adults and kids alike slid down 40-feet of homemade water slide down the backyard to near the garden.





He's so darn cute. The hat Eliza gave him when he turned 2 is aging nicely.




Bombs away... dads got into this and slung kids down on inner tubes tirelessly while grownups drank bourbon and ginger on the porch.





And toddlers ate peach cupcakes with brown sugar frosting. Baked by moi, I might add. I am not a baker, but something compels me to get int the ktichen every birth day and make my sweetie and my kids something gnerally awkward-looking by hand. The cupcakes were a hit. The yellow cake with fudge frosting fortunately tasted better than it looked. It all took forever and used an obscene number of dishes. That's okay. In my case, it's the effort that shows the love :)



All-in-all, a tired kid with a new teddybear went to sleep last night. Newly three.

A Summer Weekend in Mississippi

After a long fall, a mild winter, and a perfect spring, summer is here. The A/C is on. It's too damn hot to be outside at high noon. But life continues, nonetheless, and today that meant a brunch birthday party at a friend's house two streets away.

But first, let me introduce Louie:



He joined our family yesterday and so far fits in great.

Woke up this morning and after awhile, went to the garden to pick off stinkbugs. Determined to  keep them under control so they don't devestate my cucumbers and exotic melons and squashes, so I head down there every other day or so to squish the mustard-like eggs and hand-pick any I see. Found six today, two ripe cucmbers, three strawberries, and these:



The year's first sunflowers! These are Lemon Queens and are taller than K, so about 8 feet or so. The cucmbers are twining up them pretty nicely.

Caspian helped me water but after a half-hour, we headed back up the hill, already hot.

Got dressed and headed to the party.

Where there was a backyard set up for fun-- boucy castle, sprinklers, pools, and of course, balloons.




A friend's baby, whom K has a special fondness for (I think it's mutual):



And so for three or so hours, the kids played relentlessly and the adults flopped in lawn chairs, drank spiked lemonade and Bloody Marys and let the conversations wander.

Some of us work with or next to each other. Some of them are my customers. Some of them are my vendors. Some of them have kids who go to the same daycare. A lot of us were pregnant at the same time. Almost all of us have known almost all the kids since infancy. We all see each other weekly, if not daily, in some way or another, and always at the kids' birthday parties.

I like that my kids are growing up with friends just blocks away.

Caspian and hus buddy G., taking the girls' new birthday present for a spin:



Annaliese ferrying various boys around:








She had a great time. Annaliese never cries or whines or even stops to eat at parties. Instead, she plays like it is her job.

Caspian, on the other hand, ate non-stop, whined a little, and got hot and tired by early afternoon.




So we're home now. Resting in the cool air. Talking about screening in the porch. Letting the heat have its way with the afternoon. We'll go back out again in the evening.

Well.

K. is the BEST husband in the WHOLE world and he should DEFINITELY not be angry at me for 1. forgetting my phone at the store and 2. going out to dinner with my cook and the baker and drinking margaritas and 3. getting home 48 minutes after when I was supposed to be home so we could switch and he could go weed-eat and listen to audiobooks in peace and I am SORRY honey, I am sorry.

Sometimes, it's nice to not be in a hurry.

Other than my grumpy husband, whom I can't call cos my phone is still not with me, all is very well indeed.

Mother's Day, 2012

I was really excited this morning for Mother's Day.

After a long, extra-hard week (culminating in me forced into cooking for a manically busy Saturday breakfast and lunch at the store, as neither of my professional cooks could/would work-- hint: it ended in many bad eggs and one forearm slashed), I came home yesterday with my hair smelling of bacon and crawled into the bosom of my sweet family.

K. kissed my forehead and said, "That's it! You're done doing anything until tomorrow afternoon!" Which was absolutely fine with me.

Until the phone rang at 7:10 this morning, with the Sunday waitress/clerk/cleaner calling in sick.

So I went to work on Sunday, on Mother's Day, and I felt pretty grim about it until a customer, who'd already ushered his wife, son, mother-in-law, and mother out of the store, came back to settle the bill and told me that his wife's Mother's Day included one of their sons shipping out to Afghanistan.

Which made spending some fairly chilled-out time in my pretty store with my kids at home "secretly" baking a surprise carrot cake seem absolutely alright.

K. took a nap the moment I got home. I went running (something this past week didn't allow) and puttered in the garden a little (first blooms on the cucumber vines, which ARE climbing the sunflowers just as I planned!), and then my babies woke up.

We ate cake. We played. Then Annaliese asked if we could go to the nail polish store so she couldn't paint her nails, something she's been dying to do, and on this soft gray afternoon, seemed like a great idea.

On the walk down to Fred's, Caspian said he wants a teddy bear for his birthday (June 3rd!). I asked why. He said in his little-boy lisp, "so I can snuggle with it when I got to sleep."

He also wants axes.

Such a delicious combination :)

So we got nail polish, and Crayons, with my tip money from Saturday (I cleaned UP. Because we were busy, or because people felt sorry for me? Who knows? Fifty tax-free bucks though!), and we walked home, and then I painted both my kids' toenails.

I am not super-into boys and nail polish but Caspian wants to do whatever Annaliese and I do, and today, that means his toes got painted.

Now the kids are sitting side-by-side in their rocking chairs watching Caillou, waiting for their toes to dry, and it feels like I'm a pretty lucky mama. Because I have good kids. Because I have a good mama myself.

Hope y'all had good days too.

Cinco De Mayo

We have a festival getting set up just in fornt of my store. I anticipate a 12-hour work-day for myself, maybe 14, we'll see how it goes. Yesterday was a 14-hour-er too. Even without the festival, we were on track to having our best week ever, again, knock on wood.

So K's at home with the kids, who have been a tad trying this week, and I am pretty sure he is counting the hours until he leaves Tuesday for a child-free, adults-only, Main Street conference with his New Orleans buddy.

I've been there.

-----


What else is up? Not much. Our long lovely spring that I'm proud to report I enjoyed is OVER and it is officially summer. The A/C is on and it's too hot to play outside unless it's before 10am or after 5. Fair enough. I did plant spinach in January, after all.

-----

Some Big-Ass News

If you haven't heard from my mama yet (I'm sure you will), a big thing happened yesterday.

I sold a book to Clarkson Potter, the cookbook division of Random House.

This came about because of the New York Times article in march. A NYC literary agent contacted me, said do a proposal, essays with recipes, and so I did.

The writing again, after 2 years away, felt great.

My proposal, 88 recipes from my good friend and cook Dixie, with sample essays and such, went out to editors last Thursday, and on Tuesday, the TWO-YEAR anniversary of the B.T.C., it sold.

Now I have 9 months or so to write the whole thing; it's slated for spring 2014 publication. I don't get any money for a couple months; they pay in 4 installments; the money has to be split among my agent, a photographer, taxes, Dixie, and me, plus a couple little amounts for some other key people. So I am far from quitting my day job :)

But it feels great. It feels unbelievable. I have written 2.5 novels and never even gotten people to read them. Selling a book before it's even written? Phenomenal. It feels like a gift, and a responsibility, and destiny, and other big things.

But most of all, it just feels like fun.

Thanks to my hubby for this sweet post that made me get a little teary.

Also, here's a pic of the kids this morning.

A massive update

So. Kagan made me a beautiful desk that sits next to a window in the living room. It has casters, which I loooovve, and since we use this big ole mac of mine as a tv, comes in handy for show-watching time.

I have never had a desk before that was specifically to my taste, not something making do, and I'm charmed by it. It has casters. A hidden compartment. Heart pine. I adore it.

We have had a long lovely spring and knock on wood, seems to be no signs of stopping. Last month it cost us $200 to live in our house, since we're mortgage-free and disconnected our landline, and just paid a year's worth of house insurance :) One good reason my little subsistence salary stretches as far as it does.

Oh yeah. This grocer is getting PAID.

With K. quitting work, I seized the chance to reorganize my schedule at the store, and now, for the exact same payroll as we had before, everything is working much more efficiently and I. GET. PAID. 

Not a lot, mind you.

The federal government would judge me impoverished.

But it feels all kind of rich to me, after nearly two years of working full-time without a dime to show for it.

So what else is new? I have sunflower seedlings up to my knees. 

I've been journeying to the Amish country twice a week to pick up freshly picked strawberries, and one morning, I actually knelt in the dirt and helped a handful of kids in boaters and bonnets pluck berries off and put them in old ice-cream gallon containers.

I've been working hard and loving it.

K has been taking the kids on all kinds of adventures and in general is super-cheerful and pleasant to be around. He does not have his future career planned out and we are both ok with that. It's been a month, and it's nice to have him around more, nice to see him getting a little color in his cheeks and spending more time with his kids. 

We had a rocky start to his time-my time now that he's not working and Caspian's hardly ever at daycare, so we mapped out a schedule that neither one of us is 100 percent satisfied with, but it sure does cut down on the arguments.

Annaliese this morning, accompanying me on my produce-bread-fancy cheese rounds,  squeezed in a little pocket of space and surrounded by food:

My little monkeys about 10 minutes ago, sneaking out of their beds to play and rough-house:

I am trying to carve out a little space for me to do things like run and do sit-ups and in general not be at the store or mommying it up. like literally, 4 20 minute spaces a week. it's tough. time is so tight, but then, I've never done all that well with a lot of mental space, so maybe it is for the best?

All I know is...

the kids are great, the husband's good, we're happy, the weather is superb, I love my store, my garden, my house, and my *new* desk, and all is mostly, pretty much, even if time is too tight, well. I have plans to see if I can convince K. to spend a few dollars on a babysitter so we can go to a dinner and a movie next week, since it's been months since we had a date-night. I want to plant some more tomatoes and seed some more zinnias and keep stealing roses from abandoned houses that make my house smell divine. I want to buy a new bottle of red wine since my children frequently make me wish I had some. I want tourists-- yep, we get tourists-- to buy the new t-shirts I had made today. I want to lose five more pounds, but I'm not in a big hurry.

Oh yeah.

I got a pair of cherry red Converse sneakers, low-top style.

They're rocking.

The Children.

Let's talk about the children. The fighting, whining, whinging, children.

Parental disclaimer: they are good kids. They are reasonably polite. They are good-hearted. They play together often nicely. They are also 2 and 4 and siblings.

Yesterday evening the kids were driving me a tad mad and then Caspian asked for water so I was filling him a glass and I thought, "Back when they were babies, I couldn't WAIT for them to be able to tell me what they needed."

And now they can, and they do, and I am totally psyched by the idea that someday, I will wake up and hear my child going to the bathroom and going to the kitchen for breakfast by themselves.

But they are 2 and 4 and that time is not now.

Which some mornings, when you stayed up too late watching Lost and they're having major-league feuds about Caspian touching Annaliese with a spoon and the coffee hasn't kicked in yet, seems eminently unfair.

I read this parenting nugget somewhere that said basically all you try to do when you raise your kids is teach them to be decent human beings.

Say please, say thank you, don't hit, share nicely, don't throw your crap on the floor... yep, just a decent human being.

So K. Started Blogging Again.

Which means I've felt it's ok to stop.

But the masses, they clamor! (Hi Mom :) )

Today, a good friend's mother died. She is a friend, customer, and neighbor (one block over). She is very sad. It is very sad. But I am proud of what my children and husband did:

Picked a flower bouquet. Found a nice chocolate bar. Drew a picture. And walked it over to say how sorry they were.

Proud of my good-hearted family.

Caspian messin' with the day's catch of worms.

K. coloring.

Annaliese coloring.