Able Ponder

The beginning of Something

2012-02-12T09:21:00.002-05:00

My cousin Nick is coming for a visit today and he has brought New England with him: it's like 18 degrees out there. RIDICULOUS. I secede.

This week has maybe, potientally, been a game-changer, and I can't talk about it yet. So there. I'm excited, though. Change is good. Change is how you get what you want.

I was reading manager blogs yesterday on tips how to fire people-- uh-huh-- and came across a piece of wisdom that I will paraphrase: the right person in the job can increase productivity by a factor of 5. So don't settle for the almost-right person, because they're hurting your business.

Well, that explains my cook's impact... she is right, and she has impacted my business in an exponential kind of way. Plus she makes Annaliese lunch every day.

We had a completely average week at the store last week. No special events, no crazy surge of shoppers, no holidays to boost sales (other than Valentine's Day, which did sell a few extra cupcakes). And yet we paid our own way. We hit a number in sales that seems unremarkable now--- average, even-- and yet, it's what I was thrilled to get to last spring. There is growth, is what I'm saying. There is growth. People from outside the community still ask me often-- are you doing ok? Is there demand for a little store like this, with imported pasta and cane-sugar sodas and organic yogurt?

It hasn't been a slam dunk. But apparently, slowly, one elderly lady swearing my apples are the best, or the bank teller telling me yesterday that the grass-fed local rib-eyes have the best flavor, or the old guys eating biscuits and gravy on Saturday morning, at a time, there is.

There are not a lot of locavores in this town. There are very few rich people. But everyone wants two things: their food to taste good or cost less. Its definitely and either/or.

We try to appeal to both. On different items. Hence the 99 cent/lb apples and the imported pasta.

I super love selling food.

Most of my customers still shop at supermarkets, but the longer I spend away from Kroger or Whole Foods, the more repellent I find them. People tell me every day they have to go there for --- fill-in-the-blank-- brand, and I nod, but whatever. A brand is a brand. I'm kind of happy leaving all that targeted marketing, that deceptive "freshly baked!" labeling, that generic versus name-brand ingredient scrutinizing, behind. We don't have as many options in our shopping as Krogerites, but on the other hand, I know exactly where my food is coming from. I know precisely where the money I spend in little stores go. And shockingly, the assumption that prices are higher mostly isn't true. It's true on brands. Not true on produce, or bread, or coffee, or other staples.

And that's not just my store. K and I went to a little hipster market in Portland last summer and then we went to Whole Foods. The little hipster market's produce was across the board more varied, more local, and cheaper than Whole Foods.

I wish everyone would eat small. The world would change.

-----

I can really go on about groceries as of late.

----

Family? Kids are great. Caspian is eating like a horse and has the body of a future boxer and now weighs a pound less than his sister, who still has half-a-head of height on him. He seems wildly popular in this town. Yesterday we left them at the church for a youth event and when we came to pick them up, he was getting touted by all the big kids, who were trying to orchestrate his winning at musical chairs. He also snuggled up to me this morning and told me how happy he was it was family day. And he's completely potty-trained -- at 2 and a half-- with very little effort from me. Caspian's awesome.

Annaliese has been a champ lately at the store, and at French lessons, which she adores. Twice a week at 11am she runs up the stairs behind the store to Madeleine's apartment and gets tutored by this very hip arty girl in French. She comes back down and our cook makes her tell us something in French before she gets her lunch. She then takes her lunch and flies down to the front of the store, where she usually watches a cartoon and eats her sandwich, carrots, and pickles at her little desk in front of the window. Sometimes she disappears next door to the dress shop and watches Miss J. cutting fabric, or I'll find her in the kitchen with Miss C., icing a cookie.

It's a charmed life. She's pretty independent at the store, because she has to be; I'm working. It's harder having her there, but conversely, she seems to be thriving. And she is learning to love her vegetables.

And K.? K is handsome and funny and last night we had a true Mississippi date: after dropping the kids off at the church party and before the art council event we were slated to attend, we got take-out crawfish from the little former gas-station down the road and then pulled pork sandwiches from the trailer that sells BBQ on the weekends next to Sonic. We grabbed the one can of beer in our fridge and sat in the booths of my store, getting spices and BBQ sauce all over our hands. K's good.

I am anxious for spring because I want to plant my sunflowers and zinnias and morning glories and crazy heirloom squashes and melons.

We are going to be harvesting our first rabbits this week.

The daffodils are out.

Have a great week!

Little Carnivore

2012-02-07T08:10:00.001-05:00

This morning, my children talking about what they want for dinner. Caspian wants chicken. Annaliese said, "but we don't have chicken in our refrigerator. We'll have to go kill one. Because our chickens are YUMMY!"

Happy Saturday!

2012-02-04T09:43:00.003-05:00

It's been a long week.

K and I had a fight. It was his fault. I was right. An ancient toaster met an untimely end.

Just kidding honey. You were totally right.

Then we went out to dinner and a gallery opening downtown last night and now we're best friends again.

(I was right.)

The kids have been a little omnipresent, but on the upside, Caspian has taken to putting his pudgy little-boy hands on either side of my face and calling me his sweet mama.

That boy is going to go far in life. Everyone he meets wants to kiss him.

Two perfect raincoats arrived in the mail-- pink ladybugs for my girl, neon camo for my boy-- which they love and Annaliese has been living in hers. Good thing since it's raining daily.

The rabbits have been grazing the orchard, which is not all that level, and they keep tunneling holes out and so we have learned to catch rabbits with a fishing net. It's a lot of fun.

K. has to go to sunny Florida at 5am tomorrow and that bums me out.

A few pics-- a friend snapped them for a mag publication that's no longer going to happen, so now they're mine!--

In the last week

2012-01-19T22:45:00.002-05:00

I went to New Orleans and didn't take a single picture.

(I did have an awesome time though.)

I lost 2 pounds. 4 to go.

(Rockstar2012 diet: includes no cocaine and a lot of walnuts.)

I sat on the couch with my husband and talked for 2 hours.

(He rubbed my feet too.)

A guy named Randy who's kin to my cook at the store and who used to make BBQ brought me three ducks in a brown paper bag.

(They're still in my fridge, don't tell him.)

Annaliese told me for the first time tonight amid sobs that she wished she didn't have a mother.

(I bent my head to hide a smile.)

The store's a hairsbreath away from being overdrawn at the bank. And those are only the checks I have to write, not all the money owed.

(What else is new? It's January.)

I bought skinny jeans and I like 'em.

(two years late, but hey, I'm no trendster.)

random thought of the day

2012-01-11T22:20:00.002-05:00

I dislike the whole idea of push presents. I love presents. Birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, whatever, whenever, love 'em, love presents. K. actually gave me a beautiful necklace after Annaliese's birth. But honestly? I remember not even wanting to put it on. I was the ugliest I'd ever been after the births of my kids and what I really wanted was for my boobs to stop hurting and to be able to go to the bathroom without fear, not to mention a good night's sleep.

Jewelry kinda seemed to miss the point.

this tickled me.

2012-01-10T19:59:00.000-05:00

click here.

Just Overheard

2012-01-07T21:02:00.002-05:00

The children playing with blocks behind me....

Annaliese: Love you.

Caspian: Love YOU.

Annaliese: Why do you whine all the time?

Caspian: Because I like to.

Annaliese: Silly boy.

Now they're playing hide-and-seek and Annaliese is luring Caspian out of hiding with waffles. He just burst out "I wanna waffle!"

Funny kids.

Some pics from the winter here.

2012 Blessings

2012-01-05T20:45:00.003-05:00

In truth, it's an effort to find blessings right now. December wipes me out. And we haven't really had any kind of break to regroup for the new year. I am more tapped out than I've been for awhile. That solo trip to New Orleans to see an old friend can't come quick enough. (Next weekend!)

And yet.

If I had a resolution for 2012, it'd be to focus a little bit on nourishment for me. I still have a business and two little kids and all that, but the cloud is lifting and it's theoretically possible for me to go running, go to the gym, get up early for a dawn cup of coffee, go to bed and sleep under a quilt for the whole night through. (I wouldn't have believed it, but those things... aren't possible with an infant). I've ordered my seeds and I went for a walk today (with Annaliese tucked in a stroller) and I am actually sitting on the couch tonight, ignoring the floors and the unfolded laundry. We're talking about hiring a house-cleaner. We're going on a date tomorrow night. Much to be excited about.

Tomorrow is my little girl's 4th birthday. Which means 4 years ago tonight was the last night I truly had to myself. I don't remember what I did. You never do.

Having children has been as mind-altering as people say it is. I think we take parenting too lightly; oh, get married, have a baby, nothing shocking there. When really, for me, it's been the first and just about sole thing I've ever done that has profoundly changed the fabric of my every waking minute in ways I don't always like and have no control over. I love my kids. But hell, it'd be nice to go to the bathroom by myself once in awhile.

Annaliese launched into this world as herself. She lifted her head five minutes after birth, shocking the midwives; she was immediately present in aw way I didn't appreciate until after I'd met more newborns. She was a pain. She didn't sleep. She saved her best side for strangers and social scenes. She never crawled. She once pooped so loud during church that the whole congregation turned to look at us. She was a baby and then she wasn't and now I can barely see the baby unless she is very deeplyasleep (which she does now!).

She is almost 4 and she is smart and interesting and a good sister. She is still social. She sleeps a lot better now, finally, just within the last 6 months, seldom instead of always waking at night.

Last weekend she came into our room after nap and I said, Annaliese, do you have bangs?

And she said, You were SUPPOSED to put the scissors. where I couldn't REACH them.

Then: my hair was in my face.

She did a pretty good job.

She is having her friends over for pancakes Saturday morning and they are all going to wear their pajamas. I am making carrot cake cupcakes. That's what I do for my kids and husband: bake whatever they want, even though I'm lousy at it.

I love her more than I could have ever imagined when she was my phantom girl child who would maybe have blue eyes and straight brown hair and who would never, ever be mouthy.

So. Blessings.

There are three of them in this house and more of them in Virginia and a handful on the East Coast. There are my fruit trees and my garden and the seeds in the mail. There is my new cook at the store and the shining copper counter in the early morning and the smell of fresh coffee and bread and the shining apple heaps. There is the mile I ran without stopping yesterday and the acorns I picked up on today's walk and the brown eggs my chickens are laying. There are three days in New Orleans next week. There is money in the bank and gas in the car and milk in the fridge.

hopefully there will be some kind of sum-up post.

2011-12-31T00:14:00.002-05:00

with pictures and all that. someone should get on that!

but in the mean time...

in 2011, K. and I worked really friggin' hard.

BUT!

We did NOT

-move
-have a baby
- buy a house/building
- start a business
-any combination there of

which makes it completely unique in our marriage.

Instead, we worked.

And worked.

And worked.

But! The store had its best week ever last week. K's got two new tenants who have signed leases and written checks, which brings our total rent-paying legitimate tenants to 4 (not including the store), which means there is only one space left, and he JUST finished that one. Which in turn means the building is "cash-positive."

AND we took the kids out for dinner on an impromptu family adventure to Greenwood last night. And no one cried. No one got hauled out and spanked on a sidewalk. No one pooped in their pants.

I'm counting 2011 as a win.

the great advantage

2011-12-20T22:51:00.002-05:00

of a five pm cup of coffee can be seen in my house tonight: website rough draft action plan, check. three loads of laundry, sorted and all, check. dishes, counters, bottom of the refrigerator, check. sit-ups and leg-lifts, check. christmas cards written and sealed, check.

I'll be paying for it in another hour but by then maybe I'll have the kitchen floor mopped.

don't know how it happens

2011-12-16T12:17:00.002-05:00

I get to the end of my rope and then i wake up and i'm all like "bring it! BRING IT!"

hence the plot to feed rich southern people everywhere with a new online ordering/shipping business. i mean, we're cooking. so why not? We have the best pimento cheese ever made.

family picnic in the randomly 70 degree day, Wednesday:

Kids good. Husband better. Store only moderately in the hole. 2 new renters for K's building, leases signed and all. Strawberry plants grown new leaves.

Last Tuesday

2011-12-07T19:06:00.002-05:00

Last Tuesday, it rained. We had no shoppers. I had a few that managed to lacerate me to the bone. Struggled home with the kids and walked into a house full of garbage spread across the floor. Went to my bed to cry and found the bed also filled with garbage-- Dido the damn dog had lain in it and chewed stuff.

In short, it was a pretty shitty day.

And it made me realize something: no matter what happens with the store, no matter what happens with the dogs or the weather or whatever, I need my family-- K and the kids-- to be at the center of my life.

Sounds odd but that's how it happened.

So that attitude has informed the week since and thigns have happened. Annaliese is not going to daycare, for one thing; she used to love it, but she's bored now, almost 3 years later, and wants to be with me. So she has been, all week. And we're both happier.

Caspian-- who was the one I was worried about-- ALSO seems happier. He has been getting solo Daddy-time in the morning after Annaliese and I trundle off to work at 7:30am and he is chipper as a little bumblebee when we pick him up in the afternoons. He likes his teacher. Likes his friends. Likes school. And that's a good thing, because he is too toddler-y to accompany me to the store for an hour, let alone day after day.

Of course, we were all home today for Mommy-day, and that was at times awesome and at times wretched like most days in this house.

But overall, our lives are felling more integrated, which is a good thing. And K has TWO new renters slotted to move in in January, which means the finished part (one last unit pending) will be fully occupied. So damn proud of him.

Imagine how much extra time we'll have if the building gets done! WHOA! He's been working Tuesday nights, Thursday nights, and Saturdays on this project since before Annaliese was born.

Almost 5 years, one house, 2 kids, and a store later....

Christmas Parade

2011-12-06T21:10:00.000-05:00

2011-11-29T10:44:00.002-05:00

If I had to guess, I'd say 2012 will be a year of change for my family.

But as it is, we're all okay. Store's the store. Up and down and all-around. K's job is K's job. The kids are sick or whiny or happy or charming or precocious, depending on the minute.

We love them. They love us. It's a nice thing.

This weekend, they're in our small town's Christmas parade, riding on a float with the nursery school friends. Caspian is going to be a dwarf with a bear and a toboggan hat. Annaliese is going to be Tinkerbell or Snow White, I'm not quite sure. We're going to put our tree up this week and do our best to fill our children with the magic of Christmas: I foresee cookie-making, letters to Santa, lights around the porch, the whole shebang.

We want so much to give them a great childhood.

It's been Kind of a Big Few Weeks.

2011-11-26T09:49:00.002-05:00

Probably won't get back to blogging until Nonni and Auntie Eliza, aka Mom and Eliza, go home.

Rabbits, etc.

2011-11-13T21:50:00.002-05:00

I had an unexpected day off Saturday and that-- coupled with Caspian full-fledged sick and K sickish-- meant we stayed close to home and had a mini-vacay weekend.

We took naps. Walks. Runs. We spent $20 on four rabbits- three girls and a boy-- on a long-contemplated foray into backyard protein. K. built the hutch with Annaliese Saturday afternoon while sick Caspian napped and I cleaned the house.

It was very peaceful and very nice and there's not much more that can be said about it.

Check here for pics.

2011-11-05T22:13:00.002-04:00

Saturday night. Babies kissed and played with and in their beds. (I think.) Sitcoms lined up, husband home, wood fire roaring. Nowhere we have to be in the morning.

Things be alright.

pouting.

2011-11-04T13:25:00.002-04:00

my face hurts, my sister's mad at me, my staff is mad at me (no dishwasher, lots of sickness, everyone working too hard), i am working a 14-hour day today which means i can't see my babies until tomorrow afternoon, and i don't feel well.

SO THERE.

at long last

2011-11-02T17:21:00.000-04:00

Here ya go.

To Whet Your Halloween Appetite

2011-11-01T14:59:00.001-04:00

sweeter than candy...

the ghost of salvador dali

(who was supposed to be a green tiger, but who threw a fit 3.2 seconds before we needed to be out of the house.)

pics from the weekend

2011-10-30T22:05:00.004-04:00

Friday night: we're at the Lyric waiting for Snoop Dog, and excited about it!

Picture 2: Still at the Lyric. Still waiting. A little excited. A little... queasy.

Picture 3: Are there two cameras in front of my face? Time to go home....

Saturday night, we went to a friend's family-friendly Halloween party and drank absolutely nothing.

Had fun anyway.
Caspian, hours after his bedtime, chilling with the grownups, wearing monkey pjs.

Annaliese: not pictured, since we didn't see her the whole night (they had a teenager keeping an eye on the kidlets, and she was glued to her BFF's side the whole night anyhow).

Tomorrow? Halloween.2 blocks, trick'or'treating, with pretty much everybody we know, ranging in age from a 16-month-old to a 5 year-old. Those 2 blocks will probably take 4 hours.

happy, happy, happy.

2011-10-29T15:45:00.002-04:00

Typing this from the couch at home where I'm drinking tea and eating a banana to combat the queasy stomach last night left me.

k and I went OUT last night in a big way. Dinner, drinks, puking, snoop dog concert... not at all our style but it was kinda fun to do something so... different? stupid? juvenile?

I think I get seasonal depression over the summers here, because over since October hit, I've gone from feeling WE.MUST.MOVE.NOW to kinda loving Mississippi again. My house is looking great-- new energy came with the cool air and it's never looked better. I took today off from the store (a full weekend!!!) and went and got breakfast by myself this morning. Forgot my credit card and ended up borrowing money from a friend who happened to be selling at the season's last farmers' market. There was good coffee and live music and people I know to talk to.

And now I'm home, in my pretty house, and K made brownies with the kids, and life seems sweet.

Church today

2011-10-23T14:49:00.002-04:00

Annaliese and Caspian walked down the aisle to the children's time at the alter for the first time. They walked slowly, with Annaliese's hand on Caspian's back.

They plunked down and listened like good kids.

The preacher said something about marriage and Caspian announced that when he grew up, he was going to get married.

That got a laugh.

Later there was a pause and Caspian said so clearly that the whole church heard "I've got a ball in my pocket." (He did.)

We got lots of compliments on our children after the service :)

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The stupid camera thing was in K's computer bag all month! Click here to view some pics.

in case you're not on facebook

2011-10-22T15:54:00.003-04:00

friday morning, the farmer? milkman? awesome guy who started mississippi's first micro-dairy? stopped by to give us more milk for the weekend. and he brought his buddy, who was riding shotgun, named jimmy dean.

said the little guy had doubled his birthweight in a week drinking his jersey-cow milk.

he then told me about a pig who used to follow his like a dog, the goat who lived in his porch and went hunting with them, and the night he'd recently spent perched on top of his dairy, waiting for the dogs who'd gotten into his hogs.

i bet you can guess his daddy was larry brown, the writer.

at long last

2011-10-17T20:29:00.002-04:00

well, I turned 29. Which was awesome. As birthdays generally are. Presents, cake, breakfast in bed-- who could ask for more?

Weather's great. Store's kicked up a notch these last 2 weeks (keep your fingers seriously crossed). K's cute. I lost 9 pounds. Kids are growing up and smart and funny and Annaliese currently has three jars of mustard in her fort on the porch, I found out this afternoon. She dips her fingers into it and eats it "for her breath."

We went canoeing yesterday. Going on a Mommy-trip to the zoo on Wednesday. I'd like my house to stay clean longer (top-to-bottom twice a week! gah!) and to have a movie-night out with K and to lose another 5 pounds without thinking about it and for our lame-ass internet to get its act in gear, but mostly, everything's great.

Braggin'

2011-10-08T10:30:00.003-04:00

The store looked really good last night. Big event here in town, another success, and K bought me a luminous painting done by the girl who lives in the white house across the street, the house where Annaliese came into being.

I was so proud of K. last night. And the store. But mostly of K.

See, in August, our first renters moved into the apartment. The apartment WE thought was beautiful, the apartment that K did his way, not fancy, but gorgeous. And with the interior design genius of the girl who moved in there... the apartment was the talk of the town last night, as she was on the art crawl and so everyone saw how beautiful it is. K. was feted wherever he went and I was so... glad for him. He has been working for so long, on his own, without any recognition.

You can go here for pics of that...

Shots of the cafe in the rear of the store last night.... typing this at the counter this morning, as a handful of people eat breakfast back there. Three grocery shoppers so far this morning. Cross your fingers.

Feeling Better.

2011-10-06T21:58:00.002-04:00

The word is spreading in our small town that we're going to need... you know, CUSTOMERS, to survive. It's freeing to have that out there.

New produce supplier. In addition, not instead. For the first time, we have shallots, leeks, other good things. We have a big opportunity this weekend to wow people, as our town is putting on its third art crawl, a super-neat thing that will have scores of disposable-income folks traipsing by my store. They won't be hungry, but hopefully, we can impress them with some holiday ordering-- cooking class-general neat destination stuff.

It never stops.

Other than the customer-money, I completely love it. This is the first non-family/k/babies/home project I have ever had that engrosses me.

----

Awesome party at our house last night. I threw a "Because It's Fall" get-together. 11 kids under the age of 5. 13 or so adults. Clean house. Good food. Kids playing into the night in the garden, playing tag and Dead and wearing butterfly wings. Bonfire. Tipsy dads throwing hot coals (not my sweetie, though). Good times and I'm glad I did it.

-----

Had a nice talk with my Dad today.

------

Kids are great. K's a little grumpy with me at the moment but he's got to get over it... Sunday's my birthday!

I am FREAKING out.

2011-10-04T18:43:00.002-04:00

In the last four months at the store, I've dealt with a lot of things. Personnel, of course. Equipment, naturally. Starting a delivery program that's gone pretty well (last Friday, we delivered more food to 14 people than we sold in 11 hours to 70 people.) We've begun serving a hot cooked breakfast, 6 days a week. An article about us on the front page of the Sunday Metro section of Memphis's Commercial Appeal just came out.

I have done all these things and yet, I feel like I'm failing.

I said it.

FAILING.

Ever Monday, I hand out checks to my four part-time, two full-time employees and the baker. Every week, I juggle which supplier has to be paid right now, who can wait until later. I just found out yesterday we owe our most relaxed supplier, gourmet cheeses and meats, $1500. Every week, I can't afford to both pay my overhead AND replace the inventory that I've sold.

It's fucking depressing.

Why is this happening? Despite produce prices and deli prices being the same as Wal-Marts (who incidentally, is not down the street, but a solid 25 minute drive away), despite Water Vallians swearing up and down that all they wanted was another grocery store, despite me adding everything that's made sense: sandwiches, deli items, casseroles, soups, ice cream, yeast rolls, and now, breakfast.... people just won't buy at my store.

They'll buy a few tomatoes. Or a cookie. Or a two-dollar sandwich. Or a bottle of milk, a loaf of bread, two packages of meat and cheese. But they won't wheel a cart around the store and buy groceries. Because, somehow, we don't sell groceries in people's minds. We're not big enough, with numbered aisles, and plastic bags, and a mammoth parking lot.

Here's what it would take: 100 people spending about $50+ per week on groceries with me. The lunch and breakfast and random drop-ins would take care of the rest.

100 people.

I can count 100 people who all live within a mile of my store.

But they drive to Wal-Mart or Kroger, 25 minutes away, instead.

It's maddening. It's heartbreaking. It haunts my dreams and makes me cry and diminishes my time with my family because I have a huge albatross on my shoulder all the fucking time.

Why don't I just quit?

Because I'm an optimist at heart. Because I have employees who use the money I give them to put food on their tables (sometimes, even bought at my store). Because it would gut the optimism on my town's Main Street-- we're not the only new business.

Because some weeks, we're so close.

But it's been 16 months now, and we're going into fall and winter-- a food-retail desert, I've discovered-- with no reserves.

I wonder if we'll still be open come spring.

This Sunday, This Fall

2011-09-25T13:12:00.004-04:00

I managed to sleep in until 9 this morning. This was accopmplished by steadfastly ignoring K's elbow in my ribs and sleeping through his vaulting out of bed every 24 minutes to start another Caillou and Diego for the kids, who are, perpetually, little larks, no matter if they go to bed at 8 or midnight.

Felt great :)

Weather is wondrous after the long summer.... cool at night, comfortable during the day, and yesterday we moved our kitchen table to the porch to better enjoy it.

Right now, I'm on my third cup of coffee, K's mowing, kids are napping, and a long lazy afternoon stretches ahead. I have to clean the house. That's about it.

Yesterday sucked. Work-wise, family-wise, everything-wise, and so today is especially nice.

Brief portraits of the kids:

Annaliese, turning 4 in January, bright and contrary and so so so much like K. Contrary. Bossy. Pickle-loving. Very bright. Interested in how things work. "Tell me about this," she'll say, and then we are talking about the solar system, the mechanics of cranes. She is also my sunshine girl and my bablinga and she still can't sleep without her soft pink blanket. She is a bit tured of daycare, I think. She wants to be in the real world, with us, all the time. She tells me very night how she doesn't like to sleep, and I say I know, honey, you never have. This girl doesn't want to miss a thing.

I've started keeping the kids with me on Wednesdays, my day off from the store. Sometimes this means we putter and hang out. Last Wednesday it meant we drove a trailer-load full of used equipment to Memphis, sold it, and bought stuff for the store's newly opened Red Apron Cafe. This Wednesday I hope we'll hit the library and the park. I think it's helping with her daycare-fatigue.

And Caspian.

Caspian turned 2 in June, which makes him not even 2.5, and he's awesome. If you can get his paccy out of his mouth, he talks. He's extraordinarily kind for a toddler, sweet to people and animals alike. He starts conversations by asking "Did you have a dream?" On Friday, my longest day work-wise, I came home after dinner to him hugging me around my knees and saying in his serious lisping little voice, "I love you so much." He has a spot in our closet where he likes to hide. He loves his sister and wants to be with her most of the time. He bear-wrestles her, shows me how big he is, just learned to say "Caspian" instead of "Apian." He knows he's two. He is very, very funny, and when we go on walks, he'll stop, cock his head to the side, and say, "I'm gettin' TIRED," then run forward with his funny steadfast straight-backed serious run. He has kissable cheeks and big brown eyes and wherever we go, people smile at the sight of him. He told me he loved the UPS van upon first sight.

Of course, they also fight every five minutes, and find crayons and color on their walls during nap-time, and pee on the carpets, and whine and cry and get on my ever-last nerve. Yesterday, that very crap-day, I told my mom that I just wanted to hide in the closet where no one could talk to me and drink. (I didn't. DON'T WORRY EVERYBODY I'M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC. GOSH.)

I just went to check on them and they are in nothing but pull-ups, lying side-by-side in Annaliese's bed, sleepy-eyed, tattooed all over their stomachs and necks and cheeks with ballpoint pen (WHERE do they find these things???).

I wonder what they'll be like next fall.

tonight,after-dinner-and-bath

2011-09-19T23:16:00.001-04:00

one photo....

2011-09-19T16:07:00.002-04:00

Our new friend James, special forces, very bad-ass, also a photographer, took this pic fri night and I LIKE IT. which is amazing, since it was at the tail-end of a 13-hour work day and i was pretty darn grumpy and yelling at him for taking my photo at all.

as for pics of the kids, i have none. i am not sure where many things-- bills, wallet, etc-- are, and the camera card is no exception.

but!

fun story: yesterday, sunday, nap-time. kids playing in their room which they do for HOURS on the weekend even though you'd swear they were tired and grumpy before naptime. Suddenly: silence. K and i thought they'd gone to sleep, finally.

He happened to go into the kitchen and there, happy as little horrible clams, he saw our children. OUTSIDE. IN THE CAR.

Caspian was literally on top of the car, in fact, sliding through the sun roof.

I'd left a window open in their room that had a ripped screen, thanks to the other escape artist in the family, Dido the wretched dog.

Otherwise...

Kids are mostly great. Annaliese and I took our first-ever Mama/daughter trip to the Outer Banks, to see Nonni and Eliza, and it was great. She had fun. I had fun. Hopefully my mom and sis did too. And more interestingly, the boys back home had a GREAT TIME. Apparently when Annaliese and I are gone, Caspian doesn't whine, cry, or get over-tired. he talked and ran around with his daddy and they are in mutual love now.

It was awesome not being missed, let me tell you.

Six-year anniversary yesterday. Conclusion? Yep, good idea.

Cheers!

always...

2011-09-17T11:39:00.001-04:00

a bad sign when you FORGET you have a blog.

Fall, at least today...

2011-09-04T10:50:00.002-04:00

It's RAINING, and I can't overstate how lovely that is. The right kind of rain, too-- slow, soaking, steady. I'm cheering it on for a week... that's how much we need it.

The a/c is off, the windows are open, and K and I lay in bed this morning while the kids played happily and quite alone on the porch. We heard snippets. They were happy. We were happy. Everybody in this house loves Sunday.

I have to say, these last few weeks I have been patting myself on the back for having kids 17 months apart. Sure, the first year was.. not fun.... and people looked at me like I was nuts, but hey! I've only had children for 3 years and 8 months and already I'm not the primary playmate-- they're entertaining each other!

Plus they're adorable together. Double trouble.

They are going to be a year apart in school, I think, because of how their birthdays fall. And Caspian's a big kid so already, people have begun to think they're twins. I kind of think of them as twins. I am grateful that they're different genders... it seems to remove some of the competition and comparison, for some reason.

Anyhow.

K's started running and doing push-ups with his buddy, a former Army Ranger. It's been a month of him doing this 1-4 times per week, and I am so PROUD of him. They go at night, after full days of work and kids and everything, and I'm often asleep when he gets home. Just awesome.

Even a little inspiring.

We're ready for fall. We're happy as a family-- no plans for a 3rd, though accidents sure do happen-- and we're making some more time for each other because we've been a little overly busy in the last few years.

K's got the building's apartment finished and rented. The offices overlooking Main Street are ready to be rented. The store is my demanding third child and needs several things, but continues to go as well as can be expected. It's raining. I'm going to take Annaliese on our first-ever girl's trip and go see my Mom and Auntie Eliza at the beach next weekend.

Everything, at this very present moment in time, is great!

it felt like we took a million pictures, but apparently they are mostly o the children.

2011-08-30T16:19:00.002-04:00

Enjoy anyhow.

A big thanks to K's aunt and uncle for hosting us, feeding us, and entertaining our children.

And we're so very glad K's parents, sisters, sister's fiance, and my cousin came to enjoy in the Maine coast! Pretty sweet spot to be in August.... sure did make enduring the Mississippi summer easier!

teaser number two

2011-08-27T23:36:00.000-04:00

maine teaser

2011-08-26T18:36:00.000-04:00

more to come.

we're going on vacation!

2011-08-08T15:03:00.002-04:00

have i mentioned we'er going on vacation? thrice-daily conversation at my house. for the last three months.

vacation! no store, no blackberry, no laptop. no nursery school, no chores, and cross-your-fingers, no 110+ degree days. maine, so the odds are good.

we'll be outside. running around. having fun. together. can't wait.

In honor of My Cryptic Cousin

2011-08-07T09:01:00.000-04:00

More later.

silly things!

2011-07-21T17:26:00.002-04:00

egg pie (quiche) for dinner. children covered in pastry flour. caspian cupping my face and telling me i'm "so cute" and "can come to my party." canoeing on sunday. annaliese WANTING to "sleep on the sand and eat salamander for dinner" (parental threat gone wrong.)

counting down the days til we go north to escape the heat.

A grumpy-making week

2011-07-11T11:45:00.002-04:00

Staff. Friends. Renters. The weather. The building. Money. But not, thankfully, my family.

We worked hard all week and then yesterday, after an am foray to polyurethane (K) and gym (me and kidlets), we did nothing.

At the end of the day, I said something about how lazy we'd been, and K said, really? Lazy? You think we're lazy?

I think I have problems with downtime. But it was fun and much needed anyhow.

This morning, I woke up at 6 and made myself a cup of peaceful strong coffee and was reading in the couch when in walked Annaliese. We ended up reading Miss Rumphius together, whispering so we wouldn't take up the sleeping boys, and then we went outside to pick tomatoes before it was 108 degrees, and we found a nest in my biggest plum tree, with just-born teeny tiny mockingbirds in there.

Annaliese said "they're so CUTE! I have to tell ----" and then she raced inside and whispered the tale to her sleeping Papa, who cracked an eye and then went back to sleep.

She poured the Cheerios into the bowls herself. Carried them to the table. And when Caspian, wearing his t-shirt and diaper and a sunny yellow Pacifier in his mouth, came toddling in, Annaliese gave him a hug and said, "Go jump on the couch while I get your breakfast! Go on, sweetie!"

And he did, and she did, and they are so darn cute.

____

I did an interview with Annaliese during our lazy Sunday afternoon. My favorite?

Me: what kind of job do you want to do when you grow up?

Annaliese: Walk in the street by myself. Please.

------

So I am going to hang on tight to the things that make me happy this week, in the face of whatever rolls down the pike. It's been a hot slow Monday morning, but already I've had to deal with someone who quit unexpectedly, look at a cooler leaking mysterious fluids, and listen to a customer describe the terrible feng shui of my store.

At least we had enough money to make payroll and pay a few bills this morning.

And there's a white bowl brimming with freshly picked cherry tomatoes and basil on my kitchen counter at home.

Big Girl

2011-06-29T21:14:00.001-04:00

Today Annaliese asked me if I liked working at the store. I said I did. Then she asked me what I did there, and so I told her.

Wehn Caspian fell out of his chair (definitely my child), she ran over to pat his back, call him sweetie, give him hugs and sweet cheek kisses, and tell him he could come to her party (no parties planned, but ultimate sign of favor).

When I told her I was sorry for being late to pick her up yesterday, she listened until I was done speaking, then shrugged and said, "that's okay, Mommy."

She is up for swim classes, dance lessons, parties of all kinds, anywhere, at any time. Trips, adventures, walks, church, working at the store. Lately she has taken to appearing at my side when I am working in the garden or making dinner and asking (I swear) "How can I help?"

She is three, four in January, the baby I learned on, the toddler for about five minutes, and now she is hitting her stride, being the kid she's wanted to be since Day One, and she is just so awesome.

Nonni's en route to our town

2011-06-25T12:58:00.002-04:00

The kids are off killing chickens with K, which led to this overheard conversation this morning "Do you WANT to go kill chickens?" "Yes Daddy." "Then put your shoes on."

I'm at work, where I have been too much this week. Manager's on vacation and I had to fire someone yesterday. Fun for me!

But Nonni is coming, and it's rained, and my sweetheart made 24 beautiful quarts of dill pickles yesterday. My kids are beautiful and funny and my zinnias have started blooming.

Cheers!

the way I want things to be.

2011-06-14T12:45:00.003-04:00

Last night, it rained. We've had very hot and dry weather-- 100 degrees, blazing sun, no rain whatsoever-- for 3 weeks, so it was a big deal. The kids and I rushed inside and watched the storm beating against the windows and drank hot chocolate and talked about the trees and the grass gobbling up the water like we were gobbling up hot chocolate.

then i, hitting a wall after 10 hours of continuous motion, told them i needed to lie down for a little bit, and could they play together please?

they came in my room two minutes later. annaliese chattered next to the bed about random things while caspian fed me grapes. it was actually pretty relaxing.

we all slept like logs, windows open and the first cool night air in forever floating through the house. i woke up early on my own, about 6, and it was incredibly refreshing to lie dreamily, listening to the chickens and the birds and the general sounds of morning. it made me realize how much i miss the houses i grew up in, my mom's of course, also my grandmother's in pennsylvania, houses that didn't even have air-conditioning and relied heavily on screen doors and windows and fans to bring the invariably cool night air into the house.

i felt like a lid had been taken off the top of my head. like a box compressing my shoulders had fallen away.

i don't like how much we're inside here.

Caspian, Age Two

2011-06-09T13:35:00.004-04:00

Caspian's two now. He's still in diapers. Yesterday I asked him if he was going to start going in the potty soon like a big boy, and he said, No. I pee in pants. And yep, he does.

Maybe because he is the youngest, or a boy, or Annaliese is such a diva, but even as his mother, it's easy to underestimate Caspian. He's the baby. He still likes his Sassy, as he calls his pacifier. He still pees in pants.

But he's a smart little fellah.

I've noticed in the last month that he's talking more, sentences, questions, with dubious enunciation, but if you can translate through the baby voice, he's really damn funny. He likes to tell Annaliese that he's in Nana's class. He's not. Annaliese is, but he's in the class below, and he knows this. He tells her over and over that he is in Nana's class until she starts screaming that he's not, he's not, and appeals to me. Then he smiles.

Two days ago we were talking to Nonni in the phone and she asked how old he is now. He knows he's two. But he said with a big grin, "I'm thwee!" and giggled.

He likes to skip the number 4, when counting. He likes the Wheels on the Bus sing, and makes all the motions. He likes to sing along to the alphabet, and he sings out the for letters he knows ("PEEEE") clearly and with pride. He likes to give kisses, and hugs, and pat the side of my face when I play at being sad and say "it's awight, Mama."

He loves to be outside and is super-independent, walking up to the house from the garden just because he wants to. He likes feeding the chickens and wandering around outside. We need to get this boy a farm.

He also, gratifyingly, is like me in small and strange ways: he loves soup (says YUMMY when he eats it and nods approvingly.) He loves hot tea. He likes having his back rubbed, is a big cuddler, prefers to go to bed earlier than his sister does, though she keeps him up playing until I lay down the law.

When K comes home, Caspian is the one yelling DADDY! and running for a hug.

Just like I knew he was even before he got here, he is is a big brawny good-looking kid with a good heart. I think he's going to be stunningly handsome.

But for right now, he's my sweetheart boy, little brother extraordinare, the apple of his daddy's eye.

2 years, 5 years, where do you start?

2011-06-02T21:28:00.000-04:00

We are not old by any means, but after you know someone for a decade and have babies with them, it's kinda striking how old you're becoming.

We have Financial Documents and a station wagon and plan beach vacations and take our daughter to dance lessons and set up birthday parties and Annaliese has her first dentist appointment next Wednesday and when, exactly, did our life, which used to consist of decadent weekends amidst the long slog of term papers and finals, become so... here?

We always planned this. Kids, dogs, garden, chickens.

But it's pretty fun to step back sometimes and go, Wow. Just because we wanted it all, here it is.

Caspian turns two tomorrow morning, sometimes around 8:30am. Which means two years ago right now, I was making tea and about to write in my journal, not really knowing that I would labor all night alone with only an Ian Rankin novel for company, into the dawn on the porch, and finally call the midwives after taking a bath and washing my hair at six am.

I am going to save Caspian Pierce's birthday post for tomorrow. This one's for me and sweetie McSweetie. The one I always thought was really cute.

Go us.

the family that wears overalls

2011-05-25T15:03:00.000-04:00

family walk, sunday style.

I got almost offered a job today,

2011-05-20T15:16:00.002-04:00

A pretty awesome sounding marketing one for an artisan cheesemaker in Rhode Island.

I don't want to live in Rhode Island.

But boy, did it make me feel good.

so, the dance recital happened!

2011-05-17T21:57:00.000-04:00

and we remembered the camera and took movies and clapped for all the girls.

(we are so grown up).

and so are they.

caspian clowning around with his best buddy graham. shirt was tucked, at one time.

annaliese and her dancing friends.

and the sugar plum outfit:

so cute!

and yep, she knows it.

Happy Mother's Day to Me!

2011-05-08T13:50:00.001-04:00

2011 has so far been a year of small and precious miracles.

Bowls upon bowls of strawberries from my VERY OWN GARDEN in a state where strawberries do not grow well. Feeling closer than ever to my husband of over 5 YEARS. Watching my store begin to gain a toehold on life. Witnessing my children growing up.

I am one blessed lady, in my blue house on my Mississippi hill.

Hanging out in the perfect weather, feeding the chickens stale Kix and feeling the sunshine on our skin...

Watching my girl set the table and take care of her brother and run around like a banshee at our town's festival yesterday....

Seeing the sun shine through my mother's day present from K in my clean kitchen....

And of course, my sweetie himself, who is currently cooking bacon and talking to his mother, because he's a good daddy, husband, and son.

Happy Sunday. Happy Mother's Day. And Mom, thanks.

the store turns one today!

2011-04-30T11:06:00.002-04:00

and i find myself feeling very sentimental and proud of it, and us, and everyone who had helped us stagger forward.

let me tell you, grocer-ing is not for the faint of heart.

but boy, we're doing 10 times the job today we were when we opened. our produce is prettier. our selection better. our prices more consistent. we have value-added products galore... casseroles, soups, salads, ice cream. we carry things i didn't think we would because we listen to our customers.

this has been the best graduate school ever.

and my hope is, when we leave here, that the btc will carry on without me. that it will go on selling great food to the people of our small town for many, many years to come.

biggest news ever

2011-04-29T10:53:00.001-04:00

cross your fingers, i am back to having 2 days a week off! wednesdays and sundays!

this is very exciting.

Easter

2011-04-24T17:45:00.001-04:00

Check here.

Right now... momentarily, my wee terrorists are not crying. Fresh strawberries, spinach, and lettuce are on the counter, waiting K's attention. And I had a nap.

Hope y'all had a blessed Easter.

Week Highlights

2011-04-03T21:53:00.002-04:00

Annaliese had to wear her costume to a dance class photograph bonanza.

Caspian thought she looked beautiful.

Today... K built us a fancy open-air garage to house Boatie (pics here).

And K's sister Natalie is here for a visit!

The children are enthralled.

More later.

Lazy Weekend

2011-03-27T16:50:00.002-04:00

Jessica and I worked out something where we each get a Saturday off a month, giving us a proper weekend for the first time since the store opened.

K went to work on Saturday so the kids and I chilled out.

Ate breakfast on the porch.

Then headed into O-town, where we hit up the library, went out to a restaurant (children were completely wowed by that, proof that they lead a very routine and small-town life). My little poppets were surprsingly good company. Annaliese says "fixing to" in conversation, which amuses me.

And I bought two things: a croquet set, and this:

Hand-stitched quilt in perfect condition from the 1930s.

I love it. K thinks it's a "hideous collection of rags." Vote?

The children fell asleep together in their Princess Tent (Caspian pictured) and slept for over 2 hours.

Beef stew is on the stove, apple pies are in the oven, and the store's books for the week are done.

Pretty thrilling!

pictures of my birthday daffodils

2011-03-24T22:16:00.001-04:00

for Mum.

I love them!

For my none-facebook friends... check out www.btcgrocery.com, it's up and running, a few tweaks left to make but pretty darn cool! thanks danielle!

Cheers

2011-03-16T15:58:00.002-04:00

for allergies, and sinus infections, and getting over them!

for caspian, who can talk so clearly sometimes we think he's annaliese!

for annaliese, who can write her whole first name and does so because she loves to!

for k, who has been unflappably good-humored and funny and great company and who took a walk with me today!

for my daffodils, which, at any moment in time, are going to bloom this year!

for spring break! because-- who knew-- people eat more and bring family by over spring break!

for... SPRING.

LOVE ME SOME SPRING.

The Commencement of Coughlin's Wood

2011-03-13T17:11:00.002-04:00

For his birthday this year, I gave K. a wordy and fancy certificate that promised I'd plant thirty native trees on our bland and steep slope. I would try to give you latitudes or something, but every time I say north, south, I'm wrong, so let's put it this way: if you stand in front of our house on the street, the garden and the orchard are on the LEFT and this bland slope is on the RIGHT.

The trees are not here yet but with 30 of them coming, it's past time to get started digging.

But first we are doing some planning.

And that is what this morning was about.

Caspian's Big Boy Bed

2011-03-10T21:34:00.000-05:00

But first, fuzzy peach blossoms. I am intensly proud of my orchard. We have a shot at getting some fruit this year. Keep your fingers crossed.

Caspian transitioned to a big-boy bed without a lot of warning. It was K's call, and it was sudden, and though we had the bed and the mattress, we didn't have the bedding, so he's been in a motley mismatched set of everything-- including several pink baby blankets-- for awhile.

No more!

Behold, blue flannel with snowmen and a sunny duvet, courtesy of Nonni (as are Annaliese's flannel blue sheep in the corner.) Between their tricked-out beds and the Princess Castle in the corner (courtesy of auntie Caitlin), these kids have a really nice room.

Adjacent to the parents for yelling. Elephant humidifier for their wee noses. Desk for their crayons, and currently, handfuls of muesli.

Bookcase full of books and stuffed animals.

They also have a ladybug who projects stars on their ceiling at night as well as a "celestial body" nightlight that shines a very accurate picture of a planet or the moon (honestly, I don't know).

I am lucky to have them. And they are lucky to sleep cosy in flannel, surrounded by gifts from family and friends.

2011-03-04T17:22:00.000-05:00

It is garden time, and spring time, and I'm finding it's a season that brings out the best in all of us. The kids are happier-- why? Older, playing outside, I don't know. I'm more patient; it's easy to engage with the kids in doing something when it's seeding tomatoes, or planting a rosebush. At this very moment in time there are two fresh eggs, nestled in premier potting soil, sitting in a flowerpot outside. K's always a great dad, but he too seems inspired by the weather, taking the kids on monster walks, from the house to the lumberyard to the store, stopping to talk about what they see, instead of popping them in the car. And our house is lovely-- windows and doors open, fresh air flowing, shining in the spring sun.

Everything is just nicer.

My pansies survived the winter and have come back beautifully.

Plum trees are budding out. Peach trees are about too.

Yesterday afternoon I started dinner before the kids got home so everything was easy to assemble. We had frittata (with our eggs) and baby bella mushrooms with baby garlic, fresh ciabatta, and a spinach, strawberry, and toasted walnut salad.

Today it's raining and we're all end-of-the-week grumpy so I think we might have apple pancakes for dinner.

On that note... have a good weekend!

Spring is Here

2011-03-03T15:50:00.002-05:00

And I have the open windows, daffodils in a vase, and budding fruit trees to prove it.

Off to get the bebes and stay outside.

Excuses, Excuses

2011-02-28T22:05:00.000-05:00

Work, travel to DC, home again home again.

With presents for my babies.

Annaliese donned her-- yellow butterfly hairclips and a pink embroidered Ecuadorean dress-- immediately.

Caspian shared his bowls with his sister cos he's nice that way.

They fought over the non-pictured but totally awesome monkey backpack though.

Whatev'. Nice to see my babies.

Blogging, gardening, parenting, sweetheartin' ... resuming NOW.

a brief whine

2011-02-18T09:54:00.002-05:00

It has been a llllooooonnnggg week, one that sucker-punched me. I was all like "yay! no one's sick, no one's traveling, and it's 70 degreees!!! weeee!"

And then Tuesday, I sent Jessica, my manager, home because she was sick.

It is Friday.

Haven't seen her since.

And when Jessica doesn't work... I have to. Which has meant for this week of glorious spring weather, I have been in the store, gazing out, for 13 hours a day. I trudge home in the dark and kiss K and tell him how amazing he is for solo-parenting and then he leaves to work on his projects.

I am very tired, and more than a little lonely.

But hopefully, Jessica will be back at work today. Which means that after 6 hours here, I will be able to LEAVE.

Which is good, cos it's my sweetie's birthday!

He's turning 30. Big things are planned. Keep posted.

Cue Exhale.

2011-02-08T22:48:00.000-05:00

It is becoming abundantly clear that

1. I am driving my nearest and dearest nuts by my focus on the store and

2. There is always something at the store driving ME nuts. (All legiitimate, I assure you. Current crisis? Personnel.)

Conclusion?

I should close the store, get pregnant, and try to be a professional writer again.

Just kidding.

That makes me want to die, a little bit.

Conclusion instead is to practice mentally walking away when I am not "working" and remember to focus on my nearest and dearest.

Which, when they look like this, isn't so hard.

These kids are so damn cute and growing up so quick my heart nearly stops at least once a day.

Yeah, you. You are the cutest damn thing I have ever SEEN. GOLLY day little boys are sweet. You like hot tea and good soup and carbohydrates of all kinds (just like your MAMA) and you are sleeping, for the 4th night in a row, in a BIG BOY BED AND YOU ARE KILLING ME KISS KISS KISS.

I would like to post a picture of Annaliese now but she was being all posey for the camera and squinching her face up like a chipmunk and it doesn't capture how little girl she is, with her cat purse slung over her shoulder and her accessories du jour donned (sunglasses, backpack, pearl bracelet, and red pen that hangs on a necklace string). Suffice it to say that she basically rocks and doing ordinary things with her is really fun now. Like taking walks, or going to the doctor, or... anything. Last Thursday she came to work with me and she was great.

K. (like a retard) asked her on Sunday if she would like a little brother, and she said, "Nooooo, I HAVE a little brother." And then he (TEMPTING THE DAMN FATES I TELL YOU) asked if she would like a little sister instead. And she said, "Noooooo, silly, I AM the little sister."

Well said, child, well said.

That being said, this picture makes me giggle.

End on a high note.

B.T.C. pics

2011-02-02T17:53:00.000-05:00

check here.

i have given up on waiting for my new signs to be hung. it's been two+ weeks. here ya go, people.

We Went to the Zoo today.

2011-01-30T20:57:00.001-05:00

And we had a really nice date last night.

But given that Caspian's been keeping everyone up all week with his bottom molars arriving and K is down for the count AGAIN, I am too pissy to go into the good things.

2011-01-29T14:26:00.001-05:00

The washer broke. We got pooped on. (These two facts do not coexist well.) I drove to Oxford at 75 miles an hour today with a grimacing Annaliese in the back seat. Then she puked. K. went on a three-day business trip AGAIN. Then he came home grumpy and sick.

But! The weather is beautiful-- think first signs of spring-- and the kids are Alright. Caspian's basically talking, if you take the time to converse with him. He gives beautiful wet kisses over and over again. Annaliese says things like "Mommy, cars eat chickens when they're hungry," and her favorite song is Swing Low, Sweet Chariot which makes me feel like an accomplished mother.

I really enjoy NOT having an infant. There are still tantrums, and whininess, and clinging, but the desperate tunnel days of infancy are behind us, and man, it feels good. We're finding our rhythm as a family; K and I no longer have to cram every minute of relaxed time into the hours after the children are asleep. The golden days of them feeding and entertaining themselves while we sleep in on Saturdays are beginning to take the shape of someday possability.

I like 2011. Knock on wood.

Annaliese, in her new tutu, wearing her boots because it was raining and she refuses to let her dancing shoes hit the ground anyhow. She carries them in her ladybug bag and only after she has hugged her best friend Maddie BrockBrock and exchanged compliments on tutus will she plop on her butt and extend her foot for ballet slippers.

The kids now having matching dinosaur PJs, which I LOVE. Sunday morning: cereal, pjs, and Bob the Builder so I can have a quiet cup of coffee. It's a trade I can live with.

Lounging with the bebes, watching something or another, loving how they cuddle with me now.

In another year, people are going to think they're twins. Caspian's still 4 inches shorter but he's within a pound and a half of Annaliese's weight and growing like a weed. I kind of think of them as twins, though 17 months is not Irish-twin territory. There's one on my right and one on my left and it feels right. The urge to have another baby hit hard 6 months after Annaliese's birth, but we're 19 months in with Caspian and while we haven't totaly ruled it out, both of us shake our heads when it comes up.

Plus a rash of people have gotten pregnant lately. And the thrill of it Not Being Us is pretty heady.

I wonder if that will change.

Anecdote

2011-01-24T20:53:00.000-05:00

Caspian calling "Mommy" from his room. I go in, say, "What?" (He'd dropped his pacifier.)

Annaliese says, "Brother wants you to spank his butt."

"Really?"

"Yes." Pause. "I don't want to be his best friend."

Kid better learn to talk soon.

New Year, Same Old

2011-01-21T13:22:00.002-05:00

Maybe that's our New Year's Resolution? To resist the temptation of change and just stick with what we've got-- renovations, cars, kids, business, garden-- for a whole solid year?

I guess.

We'll see.

For anyone making New Year Resolutions out there....

Buy from independent stores. Eat locally produced food. Walk the walk. Real people are trying to make real livings doing something honest, and if we don't support them, they'll stop.

Just sayin'.

Finally

2011-01-19T22:00:00.000-05:00

First, Quebec City pics here.

Greetings from Quebec City

2011-01-08T09:09:00.002-05:00

Other than K asking me to speak in French as we wander around, and I'm all like "HONEY I DON'T SPEAK NO FRENCH," we're having a pretty story-book time. The story? Mommy and Daddy get to DO WHATEVER WE WANT!

I feel like we just robbed a bank and got away with it.

It's 2011. Annaliese just turned three. Caspian is doing GREAT. But home life aside, it was reassuring to jump in a car alone with my husband yesterday and spend 7 hours getting to a city made of stone above a river and finding out that kids, chores, life aside... we're still the same kids we always were, packing cold pizza and going on a road trip.

Of course, we are now staying in a suite in a fancy auberge complete with soaking tub, rainfall shower, duvet, and Bose sound systems. Age has SOME benefits :)

White Christmas

2011-01-02T20:09:00.000-05:00

It really happened.

I know, I know, the East Coast was paralyzed. But here in Mississippi, a little girl and her awesome auntie suited up and went out into the snow.

The snow was gone by the afternoon, but the snowman stayed on our porch for days.

I feel about 100 times better this week than I did last weekend. But even in the midst of blah-ness and the sore throat, watching my kids with eliza and nonni was awesome. It's an amazing thing, the ability of the extended family to take the new children of the next generation-- ones they had no part in creating-- in as their own.

It was super. Thanks, family!

Man, I can't believe I was sick on Christmas.

2010-12-28T09:44:00.000-05:00

It made for a less whimsical fun time than I was hoping. All the ingredients were there-- my family, a frickin' GREAT Christmas dinner, even snow! A white Christmas in MISSISSIPPI!-- except good health. A lesson to appreciate the rude good health I usually have.

Pictures to follow.

This weekend

2010-12-20T21:50:00.000-05:00

Adter the day of illness for me and between the morning and evening illness of K, we burnt leaves.

It was fun.

LIFE IN A NUTSHELL

2010-12-17T17:54:00.003-05:00

K was gone and now he is home. The difference is that life is sweet when he's around; when he's gone, it's more of a drudge. (It must be love!) (Ya think?)

Some difficult store things going on that have resulted in me losing /firing a vendor. It makes me a little sick, really. I want to help people's businesses, not hurt them. But, of course, I had my reasons, and they're pretty compelling. But still.

Running my own business has been like a personal improvement course: I can't procrastinate, I can't let things slide, I have to have difficult conversations. For someone like me who hates it when people don't like me... it's been an education.

And Christmas is coming. My family is coming. The third year my mama and sister have trekked down to Mississippi, and I'm so glad. It wouldn't be Christmas without them. And this year, for the first time, we have TWO little kids who know what's going on. We're excited. They're excited. Annaliese has been going around saying, "Jesus's birthday is coming!"

So. We're doing. And vacation, our first-EVER, in 2+ weeks.

So much excitement.

Thank Goodness for Family Day.

2010-12-13T18:35:00.000-05:00

I haven't been such a fan of these past three weeks. K's been traveling-- every week (in fact, he's gone again, until late Wednesday night.) I have had to work late at the store more than I like. I have a stomach bug. It's really cold. I found out today one of my main highlight vendors has begun selling her bread at the PigglyWiggly.

So thank goodness for Family Day, otherwise known as No-Work Day.

We take naps in shifts. We eat pancakes. K. makes dinner. We watch a movie, paint, stay in our pjs, have a dance party, read books, take mutiple baths.

It acts as a balm for the week that came before and a brace for the week to come.

And it's important to my little family, so we keep it as sacred as we can.

Happy Monday!

2010-12-06T09:47:00.001-05:00

so what did y'all do?

we had lots of maple-syrup-sodden crabs (TYPO! BUT heh!) for breakfast.

decorated.

goofed around.

(they don't make $6 strollers in blue.)

lit our christmas tree, hung it with round ginger cookies, our small precious pile of ornaments, some lights.

goofed around some more, then took a nap.

lots of fun. this is going to be the best Christmas ever. I can feel it in my bones.

It's Wednesday

2010-12-01T15:40:00.002-05:00

And K was home for a whole day before departing to Chicago, which means

1. I have to do all the dishes

2. I have to do things like get up early and lay clothes out and forego showers to leave the house only 20 minutes late

3. I don't have anyone to give me kisses and build fires

and 4.

I have to wash all the dishes.

I am officially TIRED. Busy, in a good way, but TIRED. I'd like a day off in an empty house to plant the rest of my bulbs and putter a little. Take a nap. But it ain't happening.

But! December 1st! In a little over a month I am going to both have a three-year-old AND be on vacation with my sweetie husband! How seriously rad is that?

It's nice to have such a full life.

Now I'm going to make a cup of coffee.

thanksgiving at bg

2010-11-29T17:29:00.000-05:00

We went north and saw Caspian's godfather and my cousin.

My seester and Caspian's godmother.

My good-looking cousins.

And Annaliese, aka Uncle Ted, caught a huge brown trout.

Sometimes life is really nice.

These chickens.

2010-11-18T20:15:00.000-05:00

2010-11-18T18:58:00.002-05:00

I am pretty sure the kids are spreading dog food (dry) across the floor, but at least they are being quiet.

Where Ya Been?

2010-11-14T15:43:00.000-05:00

I dunno. Dance class, farting around the house, feeding the babies special treat (they split half a piece of chocolate buttermilk cake the other night cos Mama loves them.)

Now a weekend is almost gone, and Auntie Caitlin is here and Dad and Eli were visiting and somehow, shockingly, it is late Sunday afternoon and I can't believe the Day Of Rest is almost over and it's another work week tomorrow.

Sigh.

November First, 2010

2010-11-01T21:32:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it's November. I can't believe we've been married five years. I can't believe we have two kids, who are more and more decidedly kids and not infants.

It has gotten so much easier.

It's not easy all the time.

But it is so much easier.

We sleep. We play. We cuddle and read books and I can see how soon we'll be able to go on walks that are more fun and less exhausting.

We smile at each other.

We say thank you and give hugs and say I love yous and I'm sorry's and sleep tight.

One, two, three, four, Annaliese says, counting her family. That's right. We are a family of four. Her best friend is Addy Clair on Monday and Maddie BrockBrock (?) on Tuesday and Grayson and Braden on Wednesday but never Reese (she does not care for Reese). Caspian two weeks ago could say Mommy and Daddy and now he can say thank you and buh-bye and uht-oh and this weekend K swears he said pancake and medicine (in context, thank you).

Time is alflyin'.

Happy Halloween

2010-10-31T13:31:00.000-04:00

Meet Monkey.

Princess Butterfly Faerie.

Thomas the Train, Princess Buterfly Faerie, romping during adults' beer-and-potty break (best idea ever).

It was fun.

Such A Nice Weekend With the Fam

2010-10-18T10:35:00.003-04:00

Despite the incredibly juvenile pillow fight that K and I had last night which ended with him pulling a hair out of my temple and me headbanging him in the nose...

It was a really nice weekend.

Lots of waffles. We spent some time working outside. Annaliese taking breaks from her obsessive balloon-blowing to help K on the car, one or two or no kids riding the wheelbarrow of mulch I was carting around. We went to the library and to the best park we've ever gone to and watched Caillou and took a loooonnng Sunday nap that was in fact so long that BOTH of our children were awake and blowing raspberries at 10pm last night. (A first!).

Caspian says Mommy and Daddy and nods yes and shakes no and goes "sssss" if you ask him to say please. This morning I crouched down and said, I've got to go to work, buddy. Give me a hug. He gave me a gooey kiss instead and then waved bye.

Annaliese calls him nothing but "Brother" these days and alternately takes everything from him/tickles, coos, and plays with him. She is obsessed with these new Zutano leggings i got her and wants to wear nothing else. She can count to twelve reliably and writes As all the time and identifies Ws and Ms. She is potty-trained. Sometimes she tells me she is a zebra and grins.

And K.-- well, I like him. He makes good waffles. He smells nice. I like to watch Castle with him. He's smart and interesting and, unless I ask him to turn off his bedside lamp or pick up his socks, very, very nice to me.

We took a few pics but I am at the store and don't have them.

Ramble officially over.

stuff i write when the store is empty

2010-10-16T11:44:00.002-04:00

The Local Yokels

Character Sketches of The Latest Locavores

“I think,” the woman, said, “that your store is fabulous.” She picks up a glass bottle of case-sugar A&W root beer. “How do you get all these things locally?”

He looks like I am holding something dubious and smelly under his nose. Really, though, I am not holding anything, and he is fingering a package of gourmet wild mushroom ravioli. “Where were these made? Did you make them?”

I sell freshly brewed fair-trade coffee two ways: by the cup (75 cents) or by your cup (25). I do this because I don’t like spending my money on paper. So it’s fine that this frizzy-haired girl with the bike and the Black lab came in with her own mug for some coffee.

It is less fine when she sits in one of my three booths for two hours during sandwich time.

When she comes to the counter to settle up (54 cents with tax: she got a refill), she says, “I would love to get a farm, raise my own vegetables, get some chickens. Industrial agriculture is so terrible, and you know, people just don’t know. We have to support local stores like yours.”

She gives me exact change.

You know who’s fun to sell groceries to? People who love to eat.

“Try this,” I say, and the plump woman’s eyes roll back in her head as she tastes our house-made curried chicken salad.

“I love this bread,” the elderly woman says. She is holding a loaf of ciabetta. “Can’t pronounce the name, but it sure tastes good.”

“This smoked turkey,” the pest control man says with conviction, “is the best I have ever had.”

A lady buys two of our baker’s Salty Pecan cookies, pays, leaves. Three minutes later she’s back in the store. “I made the mistake of trying these,” she says. She buys eight more to take with her on her road trip north.

An elderly black woman lays three Georgia peaches on my counter. She counts out her change carefully.

Another customer comes to the counter with a sackful of local tomatoes. “I love me some tomatoes,” she says. “I’m allergic to them, but I eat ‘em anyway. That’s why God made Benedryl.”

It’s gotten fashionable to care more about where food comes from than how much it costs or how it tastes. I have my own theories on how to encourage local agriculture, but here is the one thing I know as a person managing a grocery store: food is what nourishes us. It’s what grows our children and feeds our souls and it absolutely matters where it comes from. But many of the local food purists who come in my store are missing the point: food should be eaten, enjoyed, and relished. “Mangia, Mangia!” is the saying after all-- not “Nitpick, nitpick.”

Two dAYS aGO nOW, a bOY and a Ballerina

2010-10-13T14:43:00.001-04:00

She took her crazy "Baby Doggie" to class. They were both pink. He and the sunglasses were her idea.

Caspian isn't supposed to have a pacifier in his mouth, but he found it. It was his idea. He also likes touching his sister's candyfloss hair.

She is a little bit of a diva. And she loves her ladybug bag. Her tap shoes are in it. As well as a quarter. That was her idea.

Caspian likes the cap on the screw that holds the toilet down. This photo was not my idea. They weren't listening. We were late for class. Everyone wants a picture of his haircut.

At least you can see the back.

Several Things

2010-10-12T07:49:00.003-04:00

My husband threw me a surprise party! After a fancy dinner at our favorite restaurant! I hate parties, but man, this one wasn't so bad, and it was incredibly sweet, no doubt about it.

Plus I got more presents. Hee!

----

Read this this morning.

Not unsympathetic-- what mama would be? But as an econ major, one thing strikes me... if you have two workers, one of whom is going to take several years off from work, miss more days, etc, you are likely going to protect yourself against the anticipated costs by paying her less.

Kids cost. They do. At the store right now, I have two choices: one, work for free and leave in the early afternoon, or 2, get a (measly) salary and work crazy hours, typical entrepeneur ship style.

I pick one because I can afford to (thanks Baby!) and because if I didn't, it would have very serious ramifications for my family.

So I don't get paid. Although I do swipe six bucks every Friday for yoga class.

It's not ideal, what's happening in France, but at least they don't both get paid less and get no maternal support from the country.

Now as to the husband-household thing... men, get off your butts! Help out! Sheeshums.

It's My Birthday!

2010-10-09T15:15:00.000-04:00

So my sister gave me this pic behind the spoons, which I LOVE, and plan to hang above the stove. My mum has sent me gazillions of bulbs-- YES!!!- to plant under my redbud tree and where I will. My friend Megan called, which is amazing, because I have yet to remember HER birthday. My mother-in-law sent me a note and a gift certificate.

And my sweetheart made sure I came home to this today:

Bright outside which means the details of the freshly baked pound cake on the counter might be lost. But freshly baked pound cake!

I love my birthday.

And I love these 'uns too. What a lucky girl I am.

My Seester Came to Visit.

2010-10-03T21:43:00.002-04:00

Highlights of her visit: walking into the store, making a tailgate platter, getting thrown into an apron and into the kitchen to make sandwiches for burly men with tattoos.

By Saturday she looked like this:

And then I made us all go to the garden this morning and plant a redbud tree as a fall consecration ritual.

(Photo taken after Annaliese and I dragged her back to the garden.)

Luckily she got to have some fun as well.

Cheers, Sister. We loved having you.

Good Papa

2010-09-28T21:53:00.002-04:00

He may be a Mama's boy who is going to grow up and Take Me Out to Lunch but every boy needs a papa and this un's got one.

K's a great dad. Plays fort, makes waffles, changes diapers, dispenses band-aids, and tells his kids how much he loves them.

No wonder every evening holds thirty seconds of shining faces and clapping hands when the truck pulls in the drive.

Kidlets

2010-09-26T13:58:00.000-04:00

It broke.

Today we have the screens open. The sun is shining but not beating down. There is a cool breeze. A/C is off.

Keep your fingers crossed.

There's a white bean and roasted garlic soup on the stove, the kitchen floor is clean, and the bebes are napping after a long morning of waffles, Woody the Woodpecker, hanging on the porch, playing outside, swimming in a kiddie pool, strewing said kiddie pool with zinnia petals, and eating their weight in grapes.

They fight and laugh and wrestle and hug and yell and hit and hold hands together. Caspian won't go to sleep without Annaliese in the room. Annaliese is always trying to get Baby Brudder to join into her games, for which she has a VERY specific role for him, and getting mad when he won't like down and get tucked in like her dolls.

I love these two.

I think they love each other too.

2010-09-19T20:46:00.000-04:00

I'd like to do a photo collage thing of the last five years, but this isn't it. Our actual anniversary celebration isn't until January, when we're taking four days to ourselves somehow somewhere, but we ate steak and drank wine and had apple pie anyhow.

I'm trying to keep some herbs inside over the winter. Despite the fact it is still hundred degree summer here, I went ahead and transplanted them.

The kids have been exceptionally great. We went on an "a-venture" to Fred's the other afternoon and I got the kids new art supplies, 5 dollars and an hour's entertainment worth.

Annaliese got paints.

Caspian got crayons. He spent his time moving them from container to container and freaking out when he dropped one, but he seemed to like them.

Then he got sick and has been ill all weekend. Coughing and snotty and low-grade fever. He came out of it mid-day and hasn't stopped talking since.

He's better. Monday's coming. I can't believe we're almost into October and it's still so frickin' hot outside. That's all I got.

The Daily Grind

2010-09-16T09:46:00.003-04:00

My mom asked me the other day about getting something at wal-Mart, and I was all like "woman, I don't leave water Valley anymore."

And it's true.

Mon-Friday: give kids breakfast, turn them over to K at 7am, arrive at store at 7:30, open at 8, work until 2:30-3, pick up kids, play/pick up house/ make dinner, K gets home, we eat, we clean up, we clean kids, we watch a show or settle down with a book or 2x a week, he leaves at 7 to work on renovation projects and I clean-clean the house-- mopping, bathrooms, etc. Sometimes we have a date if it's Friday.

Saturday: K stays home with kids and I work until 1. I walk home and we kiss and switch. He works on renovations until 7 while I hang with kids/garden if it's cool enough/etc. He comes home after kids are in bed and we chill together.

Sunday is family day. No one leaves. I get up with kids and let K sleep in a little. I usually get an hour or so to play in the garden. In the afternoon, we tend to go to the Oxford library and replenish books. We do a lot of laundry and take the garbage out and occasionally mow the lawn.

Rinse and repeat. What with the 6th day of work, I'm clocking in 42-ish hours a week at the store, alone with the children for 16, and we don't have a maid or a yardman.

Good thing I love my store. Good thing I love my kids. But 4 months in and Mama's ready for a bit of vacation.

PS Dinner Tonight

2010-09-13T21:01:00.001-04:00

Tonight, I asked K about his day. Before he could answer, Annaliese said these exact words:

"Can I talk about my day?"

And we of course said yes. So how was her day?

"Good."

And then she picked up some grapes and said she was through talking about it.

talking kids are awesome.

Fall?

2010-09-13T20:37:00.003-04:00

Tempting fate but man the weather is nice. We journeyed north yesterday to meet my friend Danielle in Holly Springs at the Hummingbird Migration Festival, held at a totally cool 2600-acre antebellum plantation that was deeded to the Audobon Society in the 60s and now features native plantings, bird habitats, etc.

Other than the MISLEADING "wagon ride" which turned out to be a 40-minute, glaring sunshine, cramped nature tour entirely unsuited for talkative adults and small children, it was a win. The weather helped a lot, since there was no A/C to be had.

We had fun. Kids had fun.

Until they didn't.

(bottom pics actually from lat week's pep rally, but they get the point across.)

And then we went home.

Perfect outing :) LOVE those friends who get toddler limitations and have fun anyway!

aMUSING Stories

2010-09-10T14:20:00.002-04:00

1. No secret that I fell guilty about my love of the daycare. I love it. I do not pine at all for the year- (ish) I spent at home with each child until they started.

Friend in town recently had her second child; oldest started at Annaliese's place when he was 2 years old. This one? I saw her out and about and I asked where the baby was. "Day care," she said. "Miss Linda said he had to be six weeks old so he couldn't start until after Labor Day."

It was Tuesday. (The day after Labor Day).

Made me giggle.

2. The other grocery store here recently go a makeover. I knew this because their out-of-state painting crew came into the store to get some of Billy Ray's milk. About time, I thought; the store hasn't been freshened up in years.

But no. Not just ANY paint job, BUT

faux-brick walls with large signs and murals proclaiming "Water Valley Farmers' Market" and "Farm-Fresh Dairy" (even though they carry shrink-wrapped squash and Best Choice milk).

Faux-brick! FAUX-BRICK!

Heh.

3. Last weekend, Annaliese ran behind the swings at the state park and a kid swinging knocked her over. Totally an accident; the doesn't understand physics, he was just swinging. Whatev. This morning we were cuddling on the couch and she told me emphatically that a boy had knocked her over. "When honey?" I said. "On the swing," she replied. " I wasn't sure if she was talking about a recent incident or what, so I asked, "which boy?" And she paused and then said, "The black one."

Ok. Hmm. Kids are descriptive little beings but it's kind of interesting she said black instead of brown, number one, because he wasn't black black. We don't really talk about race. I figure I'll wait until she actually says something racist before I whip out my we-'re all-equal speech; don't want to impose the long weight of our countries' history with race on her 2-year-old observation, but still, it gave me pause.

I just said, "Oh, that was an accident," and kissed her head. She seemed affirmed by that.

And yeah, that's the end of that story.

Cuteness

2010-09-07T18:39:00.000-04:00

Do you know how HARD it is to get two kids in the same place, not moving, smiling, so you can take a pic of the CUTIEPIE MATCHING SHIRTS I bought on sale yesterday?

Ignore the crazy photographer and the blue crayon scrawl on the mirror. Someday you will have kids and understand. Or you will die childless and well-rested.

K's gone on a brief business trip. We had a nice Labor Day weekend. We're having sweet potatos for dinner. I recently realized I weigh 800 pounds since starting the store, apologized to K for getting fat, and am doing super-fun things like foregoing cookies and running up hills. Everything's good, in other words. Work, but good.

I really love this picture.

Caspian's getting pretty close to talking. He says Mama now sometimes, as well as Daddy. Annaliese has taken up waking at the crack of dawn but these kids have me so happy to be getting multiple hours of uninterrupted sleep that I don't really care.

Hold K in your hearts and wish him home quick. Otherwise, peace be with YOU.

Neighborhood Grocery

2010-08-28T14:43:00.003-04:00

I left the store full of people when my shift was over today and it was a good feeling. Friends eating lunch with a dog at their feet; elderly women picking through the tomatoes; a little girl excited about our new shampoos; a local couple bringing out-of-town friends by for a sandwich and coffee.

It remains to be seen whether or not a mom-and-pop grocery like mine can make it in this town. But I am so very proud of it, and on Saturdays at least, hopeful.

The Chickens Be Aight

2010-08-26T23:14:00.000-04:00

The weather has changed, which means I have a new interest in the house and garden, everyone's more cheerful, and the children and I played outside today. We cleaned the little kid pool and dragged it to a new spot and filled it with clear water and the kids splashed and hollered and ended up both stark nekkid on my lap, wrapped in dry towels, listening to a long and pointless story about a little girl named Annaliese and a little boy named Caspian who lived in a blue room in a blue house because their mommy liked blue.

It was nice, scritching my babies' backs, being outside.

They are both very funny and dear lately, each in their own way. Tonight after I put them to bed the Baby Frat party began (they play; they both talk, read books, sing, and are generally raucous until I come and lay down the law). Annaliese called that she needed toilet paper, and when I came to check on her, she was SO proud of herself for pooping in the little kiddie potty we keep in her room (mostly as a step stool).

I had a tiny flash of annoyance. We'd asked her a few times if she needed to go before bedtime. The kiddie potty is basically a glorified plastic bucket, meaning I have to clean it. But she was looking up at me, beaming, and so I clapped my hands and praised her, retrieved the customary reward of 2 swedish fish, made a big fuss that she lapped up. I don't know why she was so excited, she's pretty much potty-trained these days, but tonight she was super-ready to hear what a Big Girl she is.

Gosh they're cute.

Oh, The Things They Do

2010-08-24T22:01:00.000-04:00